Some Things I Like
Lists – I don’t click on every list I see of “17 Things You Don’t Know about This Person You’ve Never Heard of Who Is In Fact a Big-Time Celebrity and So Uber-Cool that Your College-Aged Daughters Might Not Have Heard of Her Either,” but I click on a lot of them. (You had me at 17 Things.)
High school reunions – Nobody cares how fat other people are at 50 years old. They are fat, too. I have made new friends with former classmates while AT the reunion. (Stop making excuses. Go to your reunions.)
Cluttered bookshelves – Not Southern Living bookshelves. Real life, dust-covered bookshelves . . .
- Stacked with new releases, old classics, and a travel guide to Jamaica
- Overflowing with textbooks, scrapbooks, and Playbills from touring Broadway productions
- Laden with favorite pictures, children’s books, and Granny’s salt and pepper shakers encrusted with sea shells and a pink flamingo painted on the front
- (Bunnies are optional.)
Bathroom heaters – Brrrr! Ahhhh!
Christmas cards – If Christmas cards become obsolete in my lifetime, I’m not putting a tree up. I’m cancelling Christmas and going on a cruise. I want to hold my own pictures of my friends’ children and grandchildren. Is that too much to ask?
Skinny jeans
American Top 40 replays on 70s on 7 – “The hits from coast to coast.” All over again.
350 degrees for 30 minutes
Poseidon – One Saturday last May, Phillip appeared at our lake cabin with a tiny yellow-bellied slider. He spent the day with his buddy Brett. They found the turtle at The Island. Brett’s parents thought it would be a great idea for Phillip to KEEP the turtle, “because he is so cute” (the turtle, not the Boy). I don’t do critters very well. If I do a critter, I prefer a store-bought one. I would NEVER have allowed anybody on my watch to take a lake critter home with him. Nobody really asked me. Brett’s mama came over later with a hand-me-down tank and some turtle food and put blood worms in my freezer. (WHAT?!)
Phillip named him Poseidon, because Brett’s yellow-bellied slider that he found in a parking lot at the zoo in New Orleans was named Zeus. AARRGGHH!! “Did you feed the turtle?” “Turn the tank light on.” “Turn the tank light off.” “Did you feed the turtle?”
By Thanksgiving, the second-hand tank was dying. Poseidon lived all day long downstairs by himself. It is dark downstairs, and the tank light finally broke. So, for Christmas, as a gift TO ME from the children, I asked for a new tank. And that we put it upstairs. So Poseidon wouldn’t be lonely. And could get some sunshine.
Presently, Poseidon splashes in his new, big tank. He swims frantically in the bubbly water cascading from the filter like he is Crush in the EAC. He climbs on the rocks that Brett’s mom stole from the lake and sticks his little turtle head out of the water. Chuck feeds him by hand. I watch him frolic and listen to the water gurgle. Everything about Poseidon soothes me and makes me happy. (Don’t tell Brett’s mom. She thinks I’m still mad.)
“My Favorite Things” – Is it redundant to put the song “My Favorite Things” on a list of my favorite things?
Words with a q – antiquated, loquacious, bequeath
REESTER EGGS!!!
“I may be ignorant, but I ain’t stupid!” – Loretty to Doo, Coal Miner’s Daughter
Party pictures with multi-colored friends
Old hymns recorded by contemporary musicians – Listen to “Nothin’ but the Blood” by Alan Jackson and “Fairest Lord Jesus” by Amy Grant and try to hold back a hearty “Amen!”
A hearty “Amen!”
Hard copies, large print, blue ink pens
Kathie Lee and Hoda – I will never be Fan of the Week. They will never give me an Ambush Makeover. But if I’m at home at 10:00 am, and I remember, I’m gonna look for some laundry to fold in front of the TV. KLG and Hoda are funny and kind, and their show makes me smile.
Old cemeteries
Alliteration – “Good Golly at the groceries, Girlfriend!” (I especially like p.) “Pass the peas, please, Penelope.” (I don’t know a Penelope, but if I were an old British woman, I would like to be named Penelope. I would be peculiar, persnickety, and punctual.)
A worn out copy of Go Dog, Go! – “A dog party! A big dog party! Big dogs, little dogs, red dogs, blue dogs, yellow dogs, green dogs, black dogs, and white dogs are all at a dog party! What a dog party!” (Please see above references to high school reunions and multi-colored friends.)
(And Some Things I Don’t)
Makeovers – Once a week, Katie Lee and Hoda have an Ambush Makeover. Almost every single time, I prefer the “Before” picture to the “After” picture. In the “After” pics, the women don’t look like themselves. I think women are prettier without so much makeup and hair color. I think most women just need a cute haircut, eyebrows and mustaches waxed, and a good bra to pull the girls back up closer to where they were to begin with.
Self-checkouts – It’s not so much that I hate them; it’s that they hate me.
Separate – Can we just agree to spell it seperate?
Affect/effect – UGH! WHO CARES!!!
French-Fry-Free February – It is a self-imposed alliterative diet, and I hate it.
Diet Pepsi – Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh, why, oh, why?!
Coconut – It’s a good thing I wasn’t on the Minnow. I would never have survived on Gilligan’s Island.
ALL CAPS –ALL CAPS ARE ONLY TO BE USED FOR EMPHASIS! AND EASY ON THE EXCLAMATION POINTS, TOO!!!!
The live-action Grinch movie – Excluding “Where Are You Christmas,” the makers of the movie Missed. The. Whole. Point.
A laser pointer in the hands of a boy (regardless of age)
“Just sayin’” – Obviously. It was just said. I’m just sayin’ that since it was just said, I get that whoever is “just sayin’” is just sayin’. And “just sayin’” doesn’t cover the sin of whatever was just said. To cover the sin of whatever was just said, one must just say, “Bless your heart.” (Just sayin’.)
